


bleeding hearts scar twice

by immolationfox



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Inej Ghafa, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Healing From Trauma Takes ~Time, Pirate Inej Ghafa, Post-Canon, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26331919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immolationfox/pseuds/immolationfox
Summary: “That’s Maikel,” he said, and jerked his chin. “He’s the one that gave me that scar.”Inej reached for Kaz’s chin and inspected the scar more closely. It wasn’t deep or long, but it was clearly the mark from-“He knifed you?” Inej asked gleefully. It was nowhere near close to a major artery, and again - it wasn’t a deep cut. Inej was mostly shocked and impressed that a boy of somewhere between eight and eleven had actually managed to land a hit on Kaz Brekker, scum of the Barrel. Kaz glowered, withdrawing his hand and crossing his arms to sulk. “Aw, poor baby,” Inej said, petting his hairline, not even trying to mask the laughter in her voice.__Reuniting over the course of ten years, Kaz and Inej meet in the middle, learning how to share themselves with each other and with their wards.
Relationships: Inej Ghafa & Original Character(s), Jesper Fahey & Inej Ghafa, Kaz Brekker & Inej Ghafa & Original Characters, Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa
Comments: 10
Kudos: 89
Collections: Grishaverse Big Bang 2020





	bleeding hearts scar twice

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: its been over a year since i actually read any official grishaverse content. yeah i know. fake fan etc, etc. don't worry though, im gonna by the grisha trilogy with birthday money. now ON TO REAL NOTES:
> 
> 1\. happy posting day, grishaverse big gang participants! i'd like to thank my wonderful gang, the murder babies.  
> materialk (artists/edit makers):  
> gizel (@shinpoochy)  
> julia (@phy-be)  
> chloe (@cla-oh)  
> and faith (@we-are-made-of-stories)
> 
> corporalki (my wonderful beta):  
> eleanor (@my-darling-inej)
> 
> 2\. believe it or not, this fic is a culmination of several soc ideas i'd had. tbh i think it turned out pretty well if i do say so 
> 
> 3\. i was fully intending on only having on chapter, but as life happens, the story isn't over yet, and it's :sparkles: posting time. part two will be out soon don't worry, i won't forget. until then, please enjoy the first half

It was a quiet night. 

Too quiet.

The only sounds Tevis could hear were that of the creaking wood of the ship, the sails rustling in the breeze, and the rigging knocking together. The rest of the crew was gathered in the galley, celebrating a good run of the Ravkan coast. Tevis was  _ supposed  _ to have a partner on guard, but the captain insisted it would be fine. Everyone thought Tevis was just paranoid, anyway. Whatever. If they all got their throats slit by that meddling ship of self-righteous, self-proclaimed  _ pirates _ led by some Suli girl, it wasn't  _ Tevis's _ fault.

They had all heard the rumors. A ship made of dark wood and dark sails that were nearly invisible at night, full of light-footed, heavy-hearted, vengeful girls, quiet and ruthless enough in their killings that they made the word  _ wraith _ come to Tevis's mind. They slipped aboard unsuspecting slaver ships, killed the crew, and freed the slaves. And sure, Tevis knew his job wasn't exactly  _ ethical _ , but neither was deciding you had the right to kill a bunch of people, and neither were plenty of jobs in Kerch or Ravka or Fjerda. 

Either way. He was making himself jumpy. Tevis shook his head, squared his shoulders, and turned around. His scream died strangled in his throat as the hooded girl hanging from the rigging cut his throat. 

Inej dropped to the deck softly, one foot down, then the other, and gave a short whistle. Two shadows pulled themselves up over the edge of the railing and onto the deck. As they stepped into the light of the lantern, the shadows became two girls, one with pale skin and white blonde hair. Her eyes were icy sharp as she surveyed the deck. The second girl was tall, dark-skinned, lean, and limber. She crossed her arms and waited for Inej to speak.

"Is everyone in place?" 

Audrei, the Fjerdan girl, nodded exactly once, sharply.

"Good," Inej said. "Audrei, you meet the other to drop anchor and then lure the crew out of the galley. Dansha, go with Tezta and Hanne. Start freeing the prisoners. Kaara is waiting to drop the rowboats. The captain is mine."

They dispersed with near-silent steps, and as the girls made their way into the hold, Inej crept over the side of the railing and climbed across the hull of the ship around to the captain's quarters. She could see her own ship from back here, black as the night and anchored a kilometer or less away from the slavers' ship. She and the rest of the boarding party had rowed over. The rowboat was tied to the ship on the port side.

Peering in the grimy window, Inej could see Captain Caberus Fardesk lounging in the chair by the desk, an almost empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. A girl was cowering near the door. She couldn't have been much older than seventeen, eighteen at the most. 

Inej grit her teeth as the captain climbed laboriously to his feet and started for the girl. Prying the window open, Inej hauled herself up until she was halfway inside, with just enough room to rear back her arm and throw a knife at Caberus's outstretched hand. It was a good throw, landing in the center of his hand and sticking out of his palm. He shouted, swore, dropped the bottle of whiskey. He whirled around and shouted another swear as another knife severed the tendon of his left shoulder. And then he was face-to-face with another of Inej's knives.

The captain had at least a good foot on Inej, but with one useless arm and the other hand spasming around the blade of a knife, she didn't have much to fear from him. Especially when the girl hit him in the knees with the sheathed, decorative saber hanging on the wall. He dropped to his knees, going cross-eyed as he tried to stare at the point of the knife pressing into the tip of his nose. They could hear the sounds of struggling now, screams, and screams that stopped abruptly that meant the girls were doing their jobs and Inej felt nothing but pride for them. She grinned, leaning forward, and watched the Caberus's eyes bug with fear.

"Do you hear that?" she whispered. She continued, as the captain was in no state to be answering any questions of any sort yet. "You feel that terrifying, petrifying fear freezing your veins? That helplessness of knowing I could kill you without hesitation or remorse?"

Inej bared her teeth.

"This is what everyone you have ever stolen has felt, from the moment you came for them and every moment since."

She moved her knife until the cold edge of it rested against his throat.

"Is this the only ship you own?"

Caberus Fardesk was supposedly one of the most successful slavers, owning a veritable fleet of ships - if rumors from drunken sailors had any value. Most had some bit of truth in them, and that Caberus Fardesk's name kept popping up along with an untold number of ships under his name was bothering her to no end. 

Caberus was shaking so hard she nearly cut him by accident.

"Answer me!" 

"N- no, I h- have m- more," he stammered, looking from the knife to Inej and back down rapidly. 

"How many more?" Inej pressed. 

"T- too many to c- count."

"I want the list," Inej said, manhandling him over to his desk. "I know you have a list."

Caberus began shuffling through desk drawers and sheaves of paper in a hurry. Roisin, a Kaelish girl, kicked the door open, making Caberus jump. She sauntered inside, leaning casually on the butt of her bayonet rifle. Inej smacked him with the flat of her blade and he jumped again, then continued searching. 

"All good, Roisin?"

"The ship's secured, Cap'n," Roisin said with a nod, and got comfortable leaning in the doorframe. 

There was a clatter and Tezta appeared without warning beside Roisin. She looked frantic. 

“Captain-” she exclaimed. “Inej-! You need to hurry.”

She took off again, down the hall, and Inej started after her, pausing only briefly beside Roisin. 

“Make sure he doesn’t stop until he finds the ledger,” she said, waiting just long enough to see Roisin nod. 

Inej darted out the door and down the hallway, leaping over an unconscious sailor sprawled in the middle of the floor. Tezta was just at the end of the hall, already halfway down the stairs that lead back onto the main deck. Inej managed to catch up when Tezta quite literally bumped into Audrei. She looked frantic, stumbling over her words and falling back into a thick Fjerdan accent in her haste. Skidding to a stop, Inej caught Audrei and Tezta by their arms.

“Hey, hey, slow down, what’s going on?” 

Audrei took a deep breath and scrubbed her face and Tezta finally slowed down to explain what the problem was. 

“There’s a woman in the brig, she’s - I don’t think she’s going to make it, Inej, but there’s - she has- Inej, you just gotta get down here.”

Inej didn’t wait another moment before brushing past the two girls and hurrying down the stairs. 

In the brig, the rest of her boarding party had freed the prisoners and were handing out blankets and water. Yaela, the only Grisha Inej had on her crew right now, was healing any injuries. When she saw Inej enter the brig, she patted the light-haired boy she had been healing on the shoulder and stood up. Yaela motioned for Inej to follow. Tucked away into a corner, wrapped up in blankets, was a young Suli woman. She was clutching another blanketed bundle in her arms, close to her chest, and when Inej knelt beside her, she saw why her crew was so frantic. 

It was a baby. 

Inej put her hand gently on the woman’s shoulder. She jerked in surprise, eyes blinking open frantically as she tried to focus on what had roused her, clutching her baby tighter as she did so. Inej motioned for the other girls to back away so that it was only Yaela and herself kneeling beside her.

“Easy, it’s alright. You’re safe now,” Inej murmured in Suli. The woman relaxed beneath Inej’s touch at the familiar sound of her native language. 

“Please,” she whispered hoarsely. 

Inej didn’t know what she meant, but one glance at Yaela told her this woman would not last much longer. Inej could see bruises on her face, and the way she held herself stiffly meant there was more damage, though Inej couldn’t see it. It was a good thing the rest of the slaver crew was dead. 

“Save your strength. Let us help you.”

“Kali,” the woman said insistently. The sounds didn’t make sense to Inej. “ _ Kali,” _ she said again, pushing the baby toward Inej, and suddenly -  _ the baby’s name.  _ It was Kali. “My baby. Please.”

“Yes,” Inej said immediately. “Of course.”

The woman seemed to calm, franticness easing away. Inej and Yaela sat with her until she died. They never learned her name.

* * *

The Barrel was something beyond description, though if pressed, Kaz would say something not truly comprehendable about it ‘being the same, but having changed a lot in the past five years.’ Not that many people were asking him is opinion of the Barrel, his personal domain. The rest of the city seemed to treat the Barrel like Ketterdam’s filthy underworld. Kaz supposed that meant he was the king of this underworld, and he quite like that notion, if he was being honest. He like to think the tap of his cane on the uneven cobblestone sent the worst of the worst scattered out of his way. It was always nice to see that confirmed, especially since his reputation had only grown in the best kind of ways in the five years since he and the rest of the Dregs so thoroughly beat van Eck’s ass. 

The Tides hadn’t shown their faces since that night, but he knew they were watching him. Beings as powerful as they didn’t make idle threats. Sometimes when he was walking along the docks, Kaz  _ knew  _ he was being watched. It wasn’t the comforting sensation of someone watching his back, like it was with Inej. No, this feeling bordered closely on antagonistic. But Kaz wasn’t stupid. He wouldn’t go out of his way to piss them off again. He certainly wasn’t about to go out of his way to  _ please  _ them, but keeping his head down had, so far, worked just fine. 

Kaz had taken to walking the streets of the Barrel in the evenings as the sun went down. It made sure the rest of the gangs knew he was still here, and he was watching. It was good for business. Pekka Rollins hadn’t come back into the city in five years. The Dime Lions had held on, but they were on their last leg. Kaz didn’t even have to try. It gave him a sudden surge of savage satisfaction every time he thought of them. Not that he was wasting time thinking about the dying gang. 

Pausing at the corner of a diagonal street intersecting two others to make a lopsided triangle, Kaz looked out at his city. There was a canal bisecting the road, splitting off and going back the way Kaz came, and then going further up the city. He could hear sounds of scuffling coming from the walkway along the water’s edge that was accessible by stairs, and thus hidden from immediate sight. 

Kaz squinted, deliberating on whether he should investigate. He certainly did not want to get an eye full of anything. That had happened on occasion, but in Ketterdam, and the Slat. It could be a fight. It could just be some young ones scuffling, and there were few things more fun than scaring some of the street rats a bit. Kaz tapped his cane once on the cobblestones, having made up his mind, and crossed the street. 

It was a few boys, scuffling by the water's edge. Kaz couldn't tell the source of the fight immediately, but it was fine. He rapped his cane on the stone wall beside the boys, clearing his throat sharply. The boys stopped abruptly and, so slowly it was almost comical, looked around to see Kaz Brekker, bastard of the Barrel, looming over them.

His scowl deepened.

With a collective yelp, the boys scrambled up and tripped over themselves trying to get away. Kaz shook his head, beginning to turn around, and wanted to make the comparison of the boys to puppies– small, always ready to fight, or bite, until you give them a glare– when something heavy landed on his back.

Kaz tensed, old instincts flooding his memory and muscles as he reached over his shoulder and grasped a handful of fabric. He yanked, the weight coming away much easier than he expected, but as the dark, surprisingly small shape flew over his shoulder, there was a line of sharp, hot pain across his jaw. His attacker landed in a heap on the ground as one of Kaz’s hands flew up to the side of his face. 

His glove came away bloody.

_ The hell- _

Kaz rounded on his attacker, dragging them to their feet, only to see- only to see that it was-

“ _ A child?” _

The surprise allowed the child - a small, dark-haired boy to twist out of his jacket and stand there, clutching a shard of glass wrapped in fabric. There was a line of blood down the grimy shard. That kid- Kaz touched his face again. Still bleeding. Kaz glared down at the boy.

“That was a stupid thing to do,” he said. “Not only because you- you’re what, barely four feet? You’ve got no back up. I could kill you right now. A lesser man than me wouldn’t hesitate.”

Would Kaz really toss the kid into the canals? Maybe not, but the kid didn’t need to know that. Besides, this little boy just landed a hit on him. Kaz Brekker, Bastard of the Barrel, nearly bested by a small child. Wouldn’t the rest of the Dregs hold that over him forever. 

The little boy was still standing there, visibly shaking, but clutching his makeshift knife just as tightly, and a tiny, terrified, determine look on his face. Kaz didn’t know whether to be annoyed or impressed. He crossed his arms.

“Don’t you know who I am?” he asked, more out of curiosity than a threat. 

The boy shook his head. Kaz tilted his head. Well damn. 

“I’m Kaz Brekker, Bastard of the Barrel. I run the Dregs. I deposed Jan van Eck five years ago. I ran Pekka Rollins out of town. Do you want to know how old I was?” He paused for appropriate effect. “Seventeen.”

The boy swallowed.

“I could throw you into the canal right now and no one would stop me. Would you like me to throw you in the canal?”

The little boy shook his head.

“Well, then. Attacking me was a bad decision. Cutting me was even worse.”

The boy swallowed, squared his shoulders. Extended his knife.

“I won’t survive if I don’t get money,” the boy squeaked, a tremor of terror running through his voice.

Damn. If Kaz were that stupidly brave when he was his age, he’d either be dead, or he’d have been running the Barrel by fifteen. Dammit. The teasing voice in his head sounded like Inej’s.  _ You’re getting soft, Kaz. _

“I’m not going to throw you into the canal,” he said, rolling his eyes. “What’s your name?”

The boy was visually taken aback. He nearly dropped his knife.

“Ma- Maikel.”

“Well, Maikel, would you like a job at the most important gang in the Barrel? You sneak up on me like that, I can’t just let you  _ go. _ Are you coming or not? You’re not going to get a better offer out here. Trust me.”

The boy - Maikel - hesitated, wavering. Then readjusted his grip on his shank and nodded firmly. Kaz started back towards the main road, then stopped and looked at Maikel over his shoulder. 

“You’re going to have to ditch the shank, though. We’ll get you a real knife if you want.” Kaz pointed. “The canal.”

Maikel hesitated again, looking from the shank back to Kaz.

“I already told you I wasn’t going to kill you.” Kaz sighed, rolling his eyes, and fished out a jackknife. “Here, take this if it makes you feel better.”

After another few seconds of deliberating, Maikel tossed the shank into the water and watched it sink out of sight. Then he turned back to Kaz and took the jackknife, holding it tightly. Kaz began walking.

“This way, then. Coming?”

* * *

Kaz entered his room wearily, leaning heavily on his cane. It had been a goddamn long day. He just wanted to go to sleep already, but he had stacks of paperwork to go through. He froze, a few feet inside the door. 

Something was wrong.

Moving slowly, he reached behind him and knocked the door close. It swung shut slowly with a creak. The window was open. He hadn’t left it open. Just there- in the corner, a moving shadow-

In a flash, the heavy crows head was flying through the air towards the general vicinity of the shadow's throat. There was a flash of silver as a knife gleamed in the low light, aimed at his neck. The shadow put a hand up quicker than Kaz could notice, too busy making sure his throat didn't get slit. 

The shadow slid into the light.

Kaz let go of a breath and it released audibly.

"Inej?"

A question.

"Kaz."

An answer.

Kaz released another breath and dropped his cane as Inej sheathed her knife. They hovered for a long second, too close together but not close enough, unsure if they should close the distance, or step away. 

A pigeon cooed on the windowsill and Kaz nearly skittered away from her, startled, and stopped moving once he had the desk and desk chair safely between him and Inej. He looked scattered, which is not something Inej ever associated with  _ Kaz Brekker _ , and to be frank, it was a little worrisome.

“Kaz?”

“It’s nothing,” he said, glancing over at her as he shrugged out of his suit coat and rolled up his sleeves. He gestured to the open window, or maybe the room in general. “Make yourself at home.”

Inej stepped closer to the desk.

“I already have. What’s going on?”

Kaz looked up at her, almost surprised. His gloves were off, laying on the edge of the desk. Inej reached a finger out to touch the leather. 

“You’re jumpy today.”

He stretched, ran his bare hands through his hair, and stretched out his legs, properly lounging now. 

“I’ll tell you later.”

Inej rounded the corner of the desk, and leaned against it. For a few moments, neither of them said anything, as Kaz shuffled through his books and papers, and Inej watched. She reached out with one finger and touched a small scar on his jaw, featherlight. He didn’t tense.

“This one’s new.”

Kaz tilted his head to look at her. A barely-there smile was on his lips.

“Someone burst in here when I was shaving.”

Inej chuckled.

“You were  _ startled _ ? How the mighty have fallen indeed.”

Kaz chuckled too, a rumbly sound in his chest that Inej wanted to bottle up and keep under her pillow.

“Jesper declaring his intentions to make an honest man out of Wylan was not how I expected to begin my mornings.”

“Oh have they already?”

“No,” Kaz replied, sounding exasperated. “They can’t decide on anything.”

Inej let that stand, privately turning the words over in her head. Jesper probably wanted a grand old thing, full of music and laughter and people, and Wylan would want a quiet, private affair, just family and friends. They were so contradictory, it made her laugh sometimes. 

The dying light outside caught on another silver scar, on the bone of his jaw, curving around under his chin. Inej reached out again and brushed her thumb along his chin.

“And this one?”

Kaz regarded her for a long moment before answering. 

“Someone tried to mug me.”

Inej gasped dramatically, both hands flying up to clutch her heart.

“Someone tried to mug the great Kaz Brekker? Are they floating belly up in the canals?”

Kaz smirked.

“No.”

“Well, what happened?”

Kaz met her eyes, smirk widening.

“They joined the Dregs.”

Inej couldn't help the smile as she looked at him, taking in his face.

"You're a marvel," she said softly. Kaz blinked, whole face softening as he gazed up at her.

"Me?" he muttered. He reached up, touching two fingers to her jaw and held them there. He exhaled softly, in disbelief. "No. You, though. You're a marvel."

He held his fingers against her jaw until his hand began to shake, and then he withdrew, turning back to his work. They lapsed into silence, and Inej hopped up to sit cross-legged on the desk. She straightened some papers, fiddles with his gloves. The scratch of Kaz's pen on paper was the only sound in the room, and the sounds of the barrel were muffled this high up, even with the window open.

"Have you seen Jesper and Wylan yet?" Kaz asked casually.

"Yes," Inej said, "but they didn't see me."

Kaz looked up at her, a few strands of hair falling out of place and into his eyes.

"This is your first stop?" Kaz sounded surprised.

Inej huffed, even as she smiled at him.

"Yes," she said, like he wasn't understanding. She leaned back, propping herself up with a hand and declared, "If you, Kaz Brekker, heard that I was back in town before I came to see you, you would tear this place apart." She lifted an eyebrow. "Am I wrong?"

Kaz shook his head, a private smile on his lips. He leaned back in his chair and tilted his head back so he could meet her gaze.

"You know, I didn't mind not having someone around who knew me quite so well."

Inej laughed at that, a full-bellied laugh like bells that Kaz had had the privilege of hearing only a few times before. 

"Jesper knows you quite well, Kaz."

When Kaz gazed at her, his eyes were like the last dregs of her morning tea, dark and full of something that warmed her from the inside out.

"I'm not in love with Jesper, Inej," he said, voice barely above a whisper. 

Her breath caught. She didn't say anything as Kaz held her gaze for a few poignant moments more, and then dropped it, turning back to rifle through his papers.

"No," she breathed. "No, you're not."

Kaz glanced back up at her, a wry grin on his face.

"I pity the poor boy who is, though."

He let Inej's laughter fade into the rafters and then he straightened a stack of papers, set down his pen, crossed his arms, and met her gaze evenly.

"Now, are you going to tell me why you're here or am I going to have to pry it out of you."

Inej looked away.

"I guess the wiser decision would be to just tell you."

Kaz raised an eyebrow when she didn't say anything else after that. He sighed, uncrossed his legs, and leaned forward, nudging his hand so it rested against hers, the one propping herself up on the desk. When Inej lifted her head to meet his eyes, he was already gazing intently at her. 

"I want to help," he said softly. He was not expecting Inej's next move to be standing up, and walking over to his bed shoved in the corner. He hadn't made it up, so the sheets were just as messy as when he'd gotten up. 

He really did not expect Inej to lean over and pick up a baby. 

She carried it over, cradling it gently in her arms and gazing down at it. When she was close enough, Kaz peered over the edge of the blanket around the baby's face. It was so small. The baby's skin was a touch lighter than Inej's, and if Kaz didn't know any better, he'd be tempted to think the baby was  _ theirs.  _ Which was foolish, of course. He could barely kiss her cheek, let alone… well. 

He reached out tentatively with one bare finger to touch the baby’s cheek. The water surged around his knees immediately, and he yanked his hand back. Kaz clenched his shaking hand into a fist and refused to let Inej see him get angry with himself, not when she had her own troubles. She didn’t need his, too. Either way, he thought he’d made more progress than that. It didn’t matter.

“Where’d you get the baby?” he asked, desperately trying to get the tension in the room back to where it was before Inej showed him the baby.

“Her name is Kali,” Inej said without prompting, adjusting the blanket around the baby - Kali’s - face. “She and her mother were taken by slavers.”

Oh. 

“Her mother-”

“Is dead,” Inej finished for him.

Neither of them said anything for a long moment, content to gaze at the sleeping baby in Inej’s arms. If Kaz tried, he could imagine this moment as something happy and content. Kaz, Inej, their baby. Their tiny family, made their own, quietly celebrating a job well done getting the baby to sleep. Kaz blinked. Stared down at his bare hands. 

No. No, that could never be. It wouldn’t be fair to Inej to let himself imagine it, to think it was a viable future. She would get over him, eventually, and he would let her go. He would be happy for her when that time came. Kaz carefully flattened a palm against the wood of the desktop, instead of fisting it closed as was his instinct. He would make himself be happy for Inej. 

“So why are you here?” he asked. 

Inej sighed and laid the baby back down. She turned back to him, a furrow between her brows. She looked frustrated.

“I don’t know what to do, Kaz,” she said. She  _ was  _ frustrated. She gestured to the baby. “That baby doesn’t belong on a pirate ship. It belongs with a stable family and in a comfortable home. Not constantly in danger.”

Kaz looked at her sideways.

“So what’s your problem? Couldn’t you give her up?”

Inej crossed her arms, heaving a sigh, and turned away. She ventured over to the window, offering her hand to one of the crows perched there. It cawed at her, looking at her quizzically, and then took off. Inej hopped up to sit on the newly vacated ledge and looked out over the city. Kaz would never admit it out loud - not to anyone but Inej - but he had missed her, goddamn desperately, too. 

"I can't give her up, Kaz." She said his name like a lament. "She's my responsibility now, and I just-"

She didn't say anything else.

"It's like a feeling," Kaz offered quietly. "That the kid needs  _ you _ , specifically."

Inej turned her attention back to Kaz so quickly he wasn't sure how she didn't get whiplash. She looked at him sharply. Kaz sighed and stood up, fixing his shirt sleeves, and offered his arm.

"I guess I better show you, then."

Kaz lead her out of his room and started down the stairs. Inej stuck next to him the whole time, something inside her chest aching with the idea of leaving him for just a moment. It shocked her, how intensely that feeling came over her, when she considered sliding down the railing like she used to. She had been away for so long, though. This was the first time she’d been back to see Kaz in almost ten months. She and the crew had docked at Ketterdam a few time, sure, but she hadn’t always had time to go visit him - it was during those times that Inej realized what it must have felt like whenever she watched Kaz, out of sight. Kaz was probably the only person who knew how to avoid her gaze, and it wasn’t a skill he used very often. 

Kaz’s bare hand on her forearm pulled her out of her thoughts and she looked up at him only to find him already looking at her. He raised an eyebrow. She shook her head. He lifted his shoulders in an almost imperceptible shrug and pulled her over the edge of the stairs to stand at the railing. From where they stood, they could see the open room on the first level - Inej was uncomfortably thrown back into memories of that night Kaz had single handedly fought off a good portion of the Dregs. His hand still wrapped loosely around her wrist reminded her they were not in the past, and the little boy fooling around with Annika with a stark contrast to that night as well. 

Kaz pointed right at him.

“That’s Maikel,” he said, and jerked his chin. “He’s the one that gave me that scar.”

Inej reached for Kaz’s chin and inspected the scar more closely. It wasn’t deep or long, but it was clearly the mark from-

“He knifed you?” Inej asked gleefully. It was nowhere near close to a major artery, and again - it wasn’t a deep cut. Inej was mostly shocked and impressed that a boy of somewhere between eight and eleven had actually managed to land a hit on Kaz Brekker, scum of the Barrel. Kaz glowered, withdrawing his hand and crossing his arms to sulk. “Aw, poor baby,” Inej said, petting his hairline, not even trying to mask the laughter in her voice. 

Kaz glared at her, but it was without heat, and he continued.

“He tried to mug me a couple weeks ago. Brand new and fresh from the upper districts.” He shook his head and stared at his hands. “It’s a miracle he survived as long as he did without... anything happening to him. I still don’t know what happened that put him on the street.” He paused, and then called the boy’s name.

Maikel looked up immediately, stopped his scuffling with Annika, and scrambled to his feet. Annika caught sight of Inej and gave her a nod in greeting. Inej nodded back, happy to see some familiar faces still in the Dregs. She looked back up when she heard a creak on the stairs and saw the boy scrambling up them, barefoot, in torn and muddy pants, and in desperate need of a bath. She knew for a fact Kaz really had installed hot water in the Slat, not to mention the beautiful brownstone he’d bought in one of the nicer districts, a few streets away from Wylan’s house. Maikel’s dark hair was matted and full of knots, and he had dirt smeared across his face. He was from one of the nicer districts - Inej could tell from his clothes. He should be playing safe and sound inside a house with his parents to watch over him, not trying to rob someone just so he could get money to eat. 

What had happened to him?

Maikel darted past Inej to stand next to Kaz. He was so much smaller than Inej had thought. Nine years old? Eight? Not any older than that. Kaz patted his hair exactly once, and then put his hands in his pockets.

“Maikel, this is Inej. You remember, I’ve told you about her.” Maikel nodded, lifting a hand in a wave and Inej smiled in return.  _ I’ve told you about her.  _ Kaz couldn’t possibly realize how loaded that statement felt.  _ I’ve told you about her.  _

“Hi,” he said quietly, still half-hidden by Kaz. 

“Hi,” Inej replied. “I hear you’re pretty good with a knife.”

Maikel flushed, ducking his head. 

“I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know who he was.”

Inej scoffed, pulling out one of her own knives. 

“It doesn’t matter who he is or is not, Maikel,” she told him, holding out the knife by the blade. “Someday you might need to protect yourself from someone important. Will you promise me you’ll protect yourself no matter, Maikel?”

A rush of emotions crossed Maikel’s smudged face, surprise, confusion, a dash of fear, and then pride and determination. He nodded firmly.

“Take the knife. Keep it,” Inej urged. She grinned at him. “Get Annika to teach you how to use it.”

A quick-silver smile flashed across his face and Maikel’s crooked grin was gone before she could blink.

Kaz touched the crown of Maikel’s briefly, not much more than a brush of his bare fingers to the boy’s hair. Maikel, clutching the blade closely, looked up at Kaz, as if seeking permission for something. Kaz nodded once, and Maikel took off back down the stairs. Inej watched as he careened into Anika, talking animatedly and gesturing wildly with his new knife. They could hear Anika laugh and say something about ‘watching where he points that thing,’ and Inej smiled a little. 

“He seems happy enough here,” Inej said to Kaz softly. Kaz made a soft noise. 

“Maybe. I want to know what he was doing in the Barrel.”

“Has he said anything?”

“No.”

Inej crossed her arms and leaned into Kaz, just a touch. Their arms brushed.

“He will.”

* * *

“Inej.”

Inej turned, smiling as she heard the telltale three-step-beat echoing across the dock that meant only one person who would call her name like that- so softly it would go unnoticed by almost everyone except the person who was listening, always. Kaz came to a stop a few feet away. His hands were gloveless as they rested on his cane. The baby was strapped to her back, sleeping quietly. The moment could not have been more perfect.

“Kaz,” she said, echoing his tone.

“I brought you something,” he said, glancing away to avoid meeting her gaze. Inej drifted closer on silent footsteps. Kaz reached into his coat and pulled out a cloth-wrapped packet, about the same size as her hand, from fingertip to heel of her palm. “Here.”

If she didn’t know better, she’d attribute the faint pink on his face to his actions. It was probably just the sun, she thought, if only for his sake. Smiling, Inej stepped closer to take it until there was only a few inches between them. Carefully, because Inej had a good feeling about what it was, she untied the string holding it all together, and unwrapped the cloth. Inside were three beautiful, gleaming black steel throwing knives.

“Oh, Kaz,” Inej breathed. “They’re  _ beautiful _ .”

“Yes,” he agreed, but when she looked up, Kaz was looking at her carefully, knives in her hand forgotten completely. The wind off the ocean picked up, playing with the edges of his long coat, and the ends of his hair. The sunlight couldn’t peirce the depths of his eyes. 

Inej felt her breath catch when Kaz leaned closer, lips brushing carefully across her cheekbone. 

“It was good to see you again,” he said quietly. He turned to leave, but Inej darted forward, catching his hand in hers. Kaz turned to face her again, surprise beginning to cross his face, but Inej did not hesitate, and her momentum carried her straight into his chest. His arms came up up around her immediately. Inej held him tightly, ear pressed against his chest. She could faintly hear his heart beating through the layers of his clothes. 

“Thank you,” she whispered, pulling back just so she could press a swift kiss to the line of his jaw. “I’ll come back sooner this time.”

There was something unidentifiable in Kaz’s expression.Belatedly, he smiled, but it was tight. Unsure? Inej opened her mouth to ask him, but she never got the chance. Roisin leaned over the edge of the  _ Wraith _ , calling down,

“Cap’n, we’re ready to cast off!”

Inej took Kaz’s hand one last time, squeezed it gently.

“I’ll be back,” she promised.

* * *

The coast of Ravka was a welcome sight. Inej and her wraiths hadn’t landed in Ravka for a few months, and Inej was looking forward to seeing her family again. She had one hand fisted in the rigging, her feet hooked in the rope, about halfway between the crowsnest and the deck. Kali was strapped to her back, sleeping soundly. Turns out Kali had quite the metaphorical sea legs. Inej suspected the rocking of the boat was similar to the roll of the caravans. They had worked out a good schedule for her while sailing from Ketterdam to Ravka to meet up with Inej’s parents. Pemja, one of the older women on Inej’s crew, had been taken by slavers with her baby, but both of them had survived - which wasn’t a common occurence. Pemja had volunteered to nurse Kali, as her baby, a little boy named [name], was nearly weened. Kali was quite a moral booster, though. She was going to be spoiled rotten, Inej thought with a laugh. It would be what she deserved. 

As if her parents weren’t going to spoil her rotten, Inej amended, catching sight of the outline of the caravan on the beach. She climbed down the rigging quickly, and strode over to the deck railing. Grinning, she leaned out, raising a hand and waving. Two figures on the beach, no doubt her parents, raised an arm each. Inej giggled, picturing her mother’s reaction of showing up on the beach with a baby strapped to her back. Her father was instantly going to suspect Kaz, but she couldn’t decide if they would be more or less disappointed when they found out that a) Kaz wasn’t the father, b) wasn’t even her baby.

No, they wouldn’t be disappointed. They’d be thrilled to have a more-or-less granddaughter, or so she hoped. She was kind of counting on them to keep the baby for her for a few months. Inej still had too many slavers to track down to keep a baby on board with good conscience. Kaz couldn’t take care of Kali, and besides, she deserved to grow up with other Suli. 

Esha and Raf, Inej’s wonderful parents, were waiting impatiently on the shore when Inej, Roisin, Audrei, and Dunsha rowed up. Inej scrambled out of the boat and dropped into calf deep waves, uncaring of getting wet. She’d been at sea for over five years now - getting wet shouldn’t bother her. She was laughing before she even made contact with her parents, thrilled to be back. Her cousins and aunts and uncles were swarming the shore now, the caravan back up behind the dunes. 

“Nej has a baby!” she heard her little cousin, Kunal, shriek gleefully, over the din of hugs and greetings. The girls who rowed over with her were unable to escape the  _ welcome back _ s. 

“Inej Ghafa!” her mother shrieked, nigh  _ gleeful.  _ “Back off of my darling daughter, shoo, shoo,” she exclaimed, swatting Inej’s various cousins away to give her some room. 

Once freed from the restraints of loving, if overwhelming, hugs, Esha herded Inej back towards camp. She kept glancing at the baby strapped to Inej’s back, who was wide awake now, but watching quietly with wide dark eyes. Inej wanted to laugh.

“For the record, Mama, she’s not mine. Not- not like that.”

“And yet here you are, caring for the child like a mother. They don't have to be born of your body to love a child like they were,” Esha replied softly, with a smile. “Tell me all about it, dearest.”

* * *

Inej told her parents the whole story. They agreed to keep Kali for a few months, until Inej could wrap up this crusade against Fardesk. The relief she felt when her parents agreed was rivaled by the sudden protective urge that rose like a wave in her chest. She did not want to leave Kali, but knew she had to. A pirate ship was no place for a baby. 

Besides, she would be back in Ravka with her parents before they knew it. Inej was not going to get separation anxiety over a child that wasn’t even hers. Kali would have a wonderful, stable, few months, and Inej would take down a slaver ring. The odds were stacked in her favor. There was no way she would lose this round.

* * *

Predictably -  _ laughably  _ \- Inej and her crew spent seven months chasing a few of Fardesk’s ships along the coast of Ravka, picked up the trail of another one by the Wandering Isle, and then spent three weeks docked in Novyi Zem for ship repairs. At least Jesper was in town. He’d shown up three days into their stay, strolling aboard casually with his hands jammed in his vibrant purple pants. 

“Fancy seeing you here,” Jesper said with a grin as Inej raced toward him. Laughing, she practically jumped into his arms.

“Jesper, it’s so good to see you,” Inej told him, beaming. “Did you hear about Kaz?” she asked, immediately adopting the tone of voice that meant gossip and not the tale of how Kaz broke another bone. 

“Oh my god, no! What happened?” Jesper demanded, tugging her by the arm off the ship and into the bustling crowds around the pier. “I’ve been in Novyi Zem for a few months.”

“Were you still in Ketterdam when Kaz made an addition to the Dregs?”

Jesper tilted his head.

“I can’t think of anything specific. Why?”

Inej grinned. She leaned in for effect.

“He’s practically a father now.”

Jesper chortled before she could even attempt to explain. They actually had to stop walking, crowding the middle of the street, so Jesper could catch his breath. Finally, he took a wheezing breath and stood back up, linking their arms together.

“Okay, okay, continue. I’m listening now.”

Inej rolled her eyes, but couldn't help a smile. She’d missed Jesper.

“So he got mugged by this little boy and Kaz decided to let the kid  _ join the Dregs.  _ This kid is probably not much more than ten, so keep that in mind,” Inej said, continuing. 

She told Jesper about the baby, about how her mission had been going, and how close they were to bringing down Fardesk - especially since they’d gotten ahold of him themselves. Jesper in turn, told her about how much he’d missed working with his father, and about the classes he was taking back in Ketterdam, how much better for his health Novyi Zem was - this was said with a wry smile, and Inej had a feeling it had to do with the lack of gambling dens, for one, and his father, for the other.

The rest of her girls had spread out across the port town they were docked at, so when Jesper invited her to spend a few days at his father’s farm, it didn’t take much convincing for her to say yes. After a brief reconvening with Dansha, her first mate, and Kaara, the boatswain,they agreed to meet back up in five days, Inej left with Jesper to visit his father.

Colm was pleased to see her, to say the least. When Inej had darted forward and surprised him with a hug, he threw his arms around her shoulders without hesitation.

“I feel like we haven’t thanked you enough for all your help,” Inej had said softly.

Colm had laughed a little, rubbing the back of his head.

“I’m just glad that mess is over. Happy to see you all safe and relatively out-of-danger.”

Jesper winked at her from over his dad’s shoulder. He must have told Colm about her new job. 

The next four days were four of the most relaxing days she had had in a very long time, second only to that first two months she’d spent in Ravka catching up with her family. Jesper was right, though. There was just something about Novyi Zem. It was wonderful.

“If you ever want another change of scenery,” Inej told him over breakfast the morning she was leaving, “just let me know. I’d love to have you on board. Besides, some of my girls want to learn to shoot.”

Jesper leaned his arms on the table and bent over to kiss the side of Inej’s head.

“I’ll keep it in mind, ‘Nej,” he said softly. 

* * *

Maikel scrunched his nose up, crossing his eyes as he tried to focus on the butter knife pressing into the tip of his nose. Anika held the knife loosely, an almost bored expression on her face. She rolled her eyes and said teasingly, “Come on, Kel, you can do better than that.”

“No fair, Anika,” Maikel said softly. “You snuck up on my while I was eating.”

Anika  _ tsk _ ed.

“That’s when you have to be most on guard, young sir. Someone trying to get the jump on you will attack when you  _ least expect it!” _

Without warning, she dropped the butter knife and started to tickle him. Shrieking with laughter, Maikel squirmed as he tried to wiggle out of Anika’s grip. With a sudden burst of inspiration, Maikel stopped resisting and just  _ dropped,  _ going boneless. He watched as Anika’s eyes widened as she caught him from hitting his head. The moment her grip lessened, Maikel slipped right away, ducking underneath the table and darting for the door. In his haste, he didn’t see the shadow crossing the doorway until it was too late, and he careened straight into Kaz. 

Maikel tripped, falling, and knocked the cane right out from under Kaz. When the world stopped spinning, Maikel looked up to see Kaz leaning awkwardly in the doorway in an effort to not fall on top of Maikel. He didn’t look angry, though, which surprised Maikel enough that his mouth dropped open. Belatedly, Anika began to react, snatching up Kaz’s cane to hand it back and righting Maikel. 

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Kaz,” Maikel began in a rush, wanting nothing more than to dart behind Anika. Kaz had brought him into the Dregs because he didn’t back down when he actually had hurt Kaz, so he wouldn’t back down now. He began to apologize again, but Kaz held up a gloveless hand. His pale skin was a strange contrast to the normal black Maikel was used to seeing.

“No harm done,” Kaz said, his low voice, usually rough like gravel, was soft as sand when directed at Maikel. “I should pay more attention to where I’m going. Didn’t mean to disrupt your training.”

He said the last part with a tiny smirk and Maikel suddenly wondered if Kaz thought this whole situation was  _ funny?  _ Maybe. 

Anika pulled Maikel from his thoughts with a gentle touch on his head.

“Didn’t you want to ask Kaz something?” Anika prompted him. She was the only one around who called Kaz  _ Kaz.  _ Most of the other Dregs called him  _ Brekker  _ or  _ Dirtyhands  _ or just  _ boss.  _ But she was right. He had wanted to ask Kaz something.

“Um, yeah, I- is Miss Inej gonna come back soon?” Maikel asked, feeling the tips of his ears turn pink as he did so. The knife she’d given him had a sheath that he wore strapped to his forearm, but Kaz and Anika wouldn’t let him use it for training yet.

The quiet amusement that had permeated the air seemed to evaporate at this question. When Maikel looked up at Kaz, the bastard of the Barrel seemed to have drawn in on himself. The air seemed cold. Kaz’s eyes were hard.

“I don’t know,” Kaz said shortly. “Go back to your training.”

And then he walked away. 

Muttering curses under his breath as he climbed the stairs, Kaz wanted to hit something. Preferably with his cane. Very hard. Maybe himself.

_ Dammit.  _

Inej was supposed to be back by now. Last he’d heard from her, she was docked in Novyi Zem because her ship needed  _ repairs.  _ It was badly damaged enough that they’d had to stay for a few weeks. She said she was coming straight to Ketterdam. Her parents were going to meet her in the city and they were bringing the baby.

_ Dammit. Dammit. _

He’d been sending out his spiders - poor replacements who didn’t get the job done half as well as Inej had - to spy on and investigate some unsavory ships and their captains that had been docking recently. It wasn’t just Fardesk’s fleet that the  _ Wraith’s  _ crew was unsettling. It was every last ship and sailor who dealt in the business of  _ people.  _ Kaz had been tempted several times to burn some ships. He had, too, but only three ships which were slightly associated with the rival gangs. He didn’t have the alibi to take out any others, and he didn’t even know if the entire crew had been on the ships when they went up in flames.

At some point it doesn’t matter. Not when they’re all putting aside differences to watch each other’s backs. Inej was only one crew, one woman, one ship. She’d only been at sea for nearly six years. Kaz slammed his cane down so hard when he reached the top of the stairs, the sound echoed through the Slat, and he heard doors open and then quickly shut. Watching him and catching a glimpse of his wrath at no discernable source. 

_ Brekker’s in a mood. Don’t go near Dirtyhands, he’ll skin you alive. If the Boss catches sight of you, he’ll throw you in the canal.  _

He wants to throw the whole damn gang into the sea. He wants to throw the whole damn city into the sea, sometimes. But it’s an endless circle of reasoning, isn’t it. If Inej destroys the slave trade in Ketterdam, in Ravka, in the world, she ends the flow of fresh meat into the Barrel and Ketterdam. She ends the flow of fresh meat, people have to be recycled. Interests in the unsavory nighttime activities of the Barrel drops. Crime rates drop. If crime drops, what good is a gang’s protection? If the city cleans up, what happens to the scum? What happens to the people who made it their life to rat out the scum? What then?

It’s a pointless thought exercise. 

Kaz stormed into his room, desperately, silently willing Inej to be on his windowsill.

She was not.

_ Dammit. _

Maybe what really bothered him was the amount of petty squabbles he had to break up daily, and the mundane of negotiating boundaries with upstart gangs that pissed their pants when they saw him just - it wasn’t exciting. There was no chase, no goal to be won, no lucrative prize. Just paperwork and people to scare, and being scary had lost all its allure.

Kaz tore at the buttons of his shirt, desperate to get it off his skin. It felt choking. He wanted to sleep. And he wanted Inej back, safe and solid in the Slat. But she wasn’t. And he didn’t know when she would be. 

* * *

As many bad memories Inej had in and of Ketterdam, she had several good ones too, and not only that, but she had people waiting there now who cared about her, and the sight of it rising out of the horizon was a welcome one. She was ready to see her family again. Ready to have solid ground under her feet. She missed climbing and seeing more than just the ocean spread out around her. There was nothing quite like the view of the city from a perch few humans would ever reach.

Ketterdam was a shithole of a city, but it drew you in and didn’t let you leave, not entirely. It kept part of you, made sure you knew that part of you would always come back and seek it out. And to be honest, she didn’t entirely mind. Ketterdam housed people she cared about. It was part of her home. The  _ Wraith  _ and its crew was home, and her parents and extended family were home. 

Ketterdam was a bastard, but damn, if it wasn’t irresistible sometimes. 

Her parents were waiting at the dock when the  _ Wraith _ pulled into harbor, and Inej thought it was fitting that this was how she arrived, her parents waiting, when six years ago it had been the other way around. Even as she waved to her parents, Inej searched for Kaz, most likely hidden among the milling workers. But she couldn’t spot him. 

Maybe her letter hadn’t arrived in time. Maybe he didn’t know she was coming today. It didn’t matter. She’d set her parents up in a nice hotel and then she’d race the crows across town and to the Slat. She hadn’t meant to be away so long, and she had a feeling Kaz was going to snap soon - if he hadn’t already - if she didn’t visit. He worried so easily. For all his talk about assets and acting aloof, he cared. He always had, but she hadn’t seen it when she was younger. She shouldn’t have had to search, but they were both young and traumatized, and she couldn’t exactly stay mad at him. Not when he tried so hard to heal.

Laughing as she raced down the loading ramp, Inej careened into her parents gleefully. Kali was babbling to herself, waving her hands around and watching the activity of the docks with wide eyes, perched on Esha’s hip. Apparently Kali was growing like a weed, according to her mother, as she regaled Inej with tales of Kali’s antics as they strolled through Ketterdam. By the time they reached the hotel, Kali actually reached for Inej and Inej didn’t hesitate to scoop her up and tickle her tummy. She’d been afraid Kali was going to forget her. It was evident, however, by Kali’s adoring gaze, that Inej was not forgotten. Somewhere inside that tiny head, Kali knew who she was.

That was enough for Inej. 

The sun was beginning to set when Inej took her leave from her parents and climbed right out their window on the fourth floor. Surely, Kaz had seen the  _ Wraith  _ docked by now. Surely, he was waiting. Inej’s feet seemed to fly over the tiles of the roofs she ran across them, never faltering, and her grip never gave out. Surely he was waiting. She’d been waiting so long to see him again.

Kaz’s window was open and there was a lamp burning low against the darkness when Inej reached the Slat and she knew, she  _ knew _ he was waiting. She slipped inside eagerly and immediately collided with Kaz. He must have gone to the window when he heard her footsteps. She hadn’t exactly hidden them from him, not that she could hide from Kaz any more than Kaz could hide from her. 

Kaz’s arms came up around her waist to steady her as she fisted her hands in his shirt to keep balance. For a moment, the only sound is the shuffling of their feet as they kept balance and their labored breathing. One of Kaz’s bare hands came up to cup her shoulder. She could feel the heat of it through her shirt and coat. She tipped her head back to look at his face, only to find him already watching her. His arm readjusted around her waist and he danced them into a corner, turning them so he could put his back against the wall. 

“Inej,” he said softly in greeting. The grate of his voice was a sound so welcome Inej wanted to weep. Seeing Jesper had only made her miss the other Dregs, Kaz in particular, more than she thought she would.

“Kaz,” she replied, just as softly, and pressed a little closer, leaning her head against his chest so she could listen to his heart. “I missed you. I’m sorry I took so long.”

“Don’t apologize,” Kaz said immediately. The hand on her shoulder drifted up to touch the back of her neck, threaded through her hair, and loosened the tight braid. “It was out of your control.”

They fell silent. Inej never wanted to move. 

“Kaz,” she said. He made a soft sound, and Inej continued. “Did you destroy some slaver ships?”

She felt his muscles jump, pressed as she was against him. 

“Yes.”

“Why?”

A beat of silence.

“I was… worried about you,” Kaz finally admitted. Inej lifted her head to look at him, then. He was staring at the ceiling, the tips of his ears and his cheekbones dusted with red. Kaz looked down at her, something soft in his gaze. He brushed a strand of hair out of her face and said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. My spiders just aren’t as good as you.”

Kaz was a terrible flirt. He really was. And, mostly, she was annoyed it was working.

“You’re a terrible flirt,” Inej shot back, mostly to deflect from her own faint blush. 

Kaz chuckled, the sound low in his throat, and then it died and was quiet again. There was something, though… something was going to happen. It was on the tip of her tongue. There was something on Kaz’s mind, and this time he would tell her.

“Inej,” he began, hesitation coloring his tone. 

“Yes?” she breathed, hating how eager she sounded.

“I-” he stopped. “Why do you keep coming back?” he asked, and Inej immediately knew that was not the same question he was going to ask. Why had he changed the subject? Why was he even asking this?

“What are you talking about, Kaz?” Inej asked, confusion clear on her face. “What do you mean,  _ why-  _ Kaz-”

“Just, you don’t have to keep coming back if you don’t want to,” Kaz said, something insistent pushing at his voice. Something desperate. He was closing off.

“Kaz,” Inej started, voice raising unconsciously. “Kaz, where is this coming from? I’m coming back because I  _ want to.  _ Because I  _ miss you.  _ Because it’s  _ my choice. _ Don’t!” she thundered as she saw his mouth open to object. She drew away from him, shaking off his arms. “Don’t tell me what to feel! If I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t be here! Don’t you take my choice of loving you away!”

Her hands were shaking. She could barely focus on Kaz’s face through the unshed tears blurring her vision but she could tell his face was wrecked. His own hands were shaking as he reached for her and his thumbs brushed gently across her eyelids.

“You’re right,” he said quietly, a temor in his voice. “It’s not fair of me to ask you that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just - I needed to be sure.”

That gave Inej pause.

“You needed to be -  _ sure?  _ Of what?”

Kaz swallowed. He didn’t want to meet her eyes, but she touched the back of his hand lightly, begging him wordlessly to look at her. He did.

“I needed to be sure before I - before-” Kaz didn’t seem able to finish the sentence.

“Kaz,” Inej said softly, barely more than a breath. “What is it?”

He squared his shoulders as if steeling himself and met her gaze.

“I need to be sure before I asked to kiss you.”

Inej’s voice caught. Before he asked to -  _ kiss me.  _

“Oh,” she said, “Kaz. Oh, I - are you sure? Can you - I don’t want you to do something that will make it  _ worse- _ ”

Kaz touched her cheek lightly and then, slowly, more firmly, until he cupped her cheek in his palm.

“But I want to try. If you want. Only if you want.”

“Oh, Kaz.” It seemed to be the only two words she could formulate. “Oh- yes, please, Kaz.”

This didn’t seem real. It couldn’t be happening. Kaz held her face ever so softly in his hands, gently as if he were cradling a baby bird. He stroked his thumbs across her cheekbones. His breath hitched but she did not know if it was because of their proximity or because of the skin contact, but either way, she didn’t get a chance to ask. 

The kiss was not much more than the barest press of lips on lips. Inej didn’t push him anymore than Kaz pushed her. It couldn’t have lasted more than three seconds, but it felt both like ages upon eternities and like it hardly had a chance to last. Kaz pulled away and let go of her face. Inej took a step back, for herself just as much as for him. It was too much. It was not enough. 

Kaz’s hands were shaking. Wordlessly, she passed him a half-drunk glass of whiskey. He downed it in one go and sat down wearily at his desk. He rubbed his face and then looked up at her, leaning against the edge of his desk.

“Are you-”

“I’m fine,” Inej answered before he could respond. “I don’t- it wasn’t like anything- how are you?”

“It was,” Kaz cleared his throat. “Actually went better than I was afraid.”

“Kaz,” Inej said disapprovingly, but Kaz waved her off. 

“It’s alright.”

Inej made a soft sound of acquiescence. 

“The baby?” Kaz asked.

“Doing well - wonderfully, actually. Maikel?”

Kaz actually laughed a little at that.

“Wants to train with your knife.”

“Are you not letting him?” Inej asked curiously. Kaz scoffed.

“Not until he can defend himself against Anika’s butter knives.”

Inej laughed, and then stopped, and they fell into silence. Inej wanted to brush a fallen strand of hair off Kaz’s forehead but she had a feeling that would be too much. She bumped his foot with hers.

“You’ve come so far, Kaz. You know I won’t be upset if that’s as far as you can get.” Inej glanced away. “That might be as far as I’ll ever get.”

“But that’s not what this is about, though, is it?” Kaz asked, drawing her gaze back. She tilted her head.

“No,” she said softly. “No.”

It never was.

**End Part One**

**Author's Note:**

> fun things to look forward to in part 2:  
> \- inej and kaz take maikel out for icescream  
> \- kali becomes a gosling of chaos  
> \- kanej take their children out for some arson as a fun bonding activity  
> \- someone gets robbed  
> \- someone's livelihood gets threatened  
> \- and everyone's favorite "kaz commits heinous acts of violence because someone threatened a person he cared about"
> 
> thanks for watching!


End file.
